leafboy
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Celibate one year
Star this Commitment
Week 52 of 52
leafboy commits to:
No p*rn consumption
No masturbation
15
37
No more reports due
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My Commitment Journal
 leafboy
June 5, 2024, 3:46 AM
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Ummm Actice recall: Lab we did an SDS Page test. You run your fractions (purified protein samples) into SDS page to see the molecular weight of your sameples. You determine the molecular weight by first calculating the Rf value (distance traveled by molecules divided by the distance of the bottom of box) and findinf the kD value by a molecular weight standard through your SDS PAge . Calculus it was about doing the limits. |
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leafboy
May 31, 2024, 1:44 PM
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I still get tempted. Rudy mentioned yesterday of a pr0n site that remastered old content and how he watched this one video 10 times or something. That stirred up my curiosity a bit into today, and I was close into browsing the website. I stopped myself as soon as I clicked the link and thankfully my eyes did not witness any nudity. I like how I think when I am under the influence of adderall. My attention feels less wavering and I really can focus on a particular train of thought. There are a lot of mixed feelings associated with me taking this drug. Especially because society's attitude toward it. I really should go ahead and seek a diagnosis. I just spent like 15 minutes or so browsing for a psychologist on ZocDoc. I then decided to go through my network provider Ambetter, and find psychologists on there. I found one close by in Hmil and saved their contact information. I'm gonna give them a call at some point. The reason I don't want to do it now is because I am focused on writing this report and continuing my lab homework. Another thing I want to talk about is looking at women and giving them validation from my observations. A bad tendecny I have is giving women power when I assume they're interested in me. I do not know if they like me... Actually I feel a bit uncomfortable writing this post as I noticed one women is waiting behond me for her drink and I don't have eyes behind the back of my head... I'll continue what I really want to talk about in a future post. |
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leafboy
May 31, 2024, 1:05 PM
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Some time last week: I watched porn again. I was doing my quiz for calculus I and after I finished a problem I got the idea to search for nonstop pounding. It was an urge to see good ol pounding. Then I cruised more websites with the similar video titles. The first video i saw was the best and teh rest were meh. I even got curious and wanted to see some gay porn. It didn't satisfy me either. Once I realized this was degenerate I stopped browsing and continued finishing my quiz. |
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leafboy
May 16, 2024, 2:53 PM
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Just following up with my last post, I have not vividly visualized the amino acids, but I have taken some notes on amino acids, classifying them on polarity and acidity, and determining their structure under a certain pH environment. Its been a bit over a week since I played video games, watch TV, or used YouTube recreationally* (well, in all honestly I have used YouTube for studying and watched three videos with Bhalo and Raj). Although, I find myself being bored quite often, I do think it has been healthy for me. It feels like I am fighting against old wiring patterns. Like even earlier this morning, after dropping off ma, I was somewhat tempted to boot up a League game and watch some YouTube content. Then I remembered the commitment I made to myself and stopped myself from any of those. I read some of Plato's Republic while drinking chai and listening to some background music (with YouTube). Then after reading briefly, I internet surfed a bit on the topics on Christianity's perspective of relationships men and women, reading some bible verses about the topic, and spending some time on the Semen Retention reddit forum on the topic of glow. After doing that, I went back to reading more on Plato's Republic, finishing book III. In the middle of reading book IV, I decided to journal this entry. Several thoughts went into me deciding to write this post. I suppose to vent out some things that are still in my mind. Of course, to acknowledge the impulse I had to game. But also acknowledging my being shift, change when a woman is brought into my little world. Yesterday me and Bhalo decided to eat at Cracker Barrel and then head on down to the library. During our lunch, I glanced over at a female waitress named Taylor and I was thinking to myself, her face is beautiful. I am not sure if we made eye contact in that exact moment. I do remember in another moment, we did make brief eye contact. I have some guilt in admitting I did check out her behind later as she was walking away. I noticed how it was flat, and taking note of her body and assembling the impression this person is a hard working woman with masculine features yet her face had a vibrant, feminine quality to it. In the middle of our meal, she came over to our table and commented on my McDonalds shift and asked if I worked at Mcdonalds. I said no, my mother does. Then she replied with how that was her first job and how she didn't like it. And then the three of us began talking for a brief period of time. I don't want to be arrogant in saying the reason she came over to talk to us because she found me attractive. She in fact just seems to be an outgoing person. I saw her attending to a table of what seemed to be an elderly couple and engaging in conversation with them that seemed to not pertain to the script of what they would like to order. However, I do want to note about how I feel my being change or shift. Why does this woman having a conversation with us alter an inner motivation for the conversation? Do I want something out of her?... My mind went blank after that question. Breathing helps with sexual desire. I think it curbs the appetite or redirects it elsewhere. I am noticing myself do deep nostril inhales and controlling my exhale. I suppose the question for myself is what do I want to do with this sexual desire. I know its not going away. It will come up again, especially if a moment like this comes up again. According to the semen retention forums, people say its better not to waste your semen and to direct that energy towards your purpose. For right now, my biggest goal is to do well in my studies and build my body. However, what should my response be when this situation comes up again? For one, assume she is not interested in having sex with me. Why? Because if I operate with this assumption, then interacting with her becomes more pure and not clouded with other intentions from my end. But this begs the following counter point. Aren't you just suppressing your innate sexual appetite? I don't know. I think the next time this situation comes up, if needed, to remind myself that this woman is not interested in having sex with me. I want to be pure and real with people and not obtain something from them by being manipulative. |
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