triis11
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Week 12 of 12
triis11 commits to:
No PMO, massages, hookup apps. I need to seriously get to the bottom of this drive. I want to learn how to feel comfortable with these urges and channel them in a healthy way.
Need complete abstinence; any edging, downloading apps, or peaks will constitute a failure.
10
2
No more reports due
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My Commitment Journal
 triis11
May 19, 2023, 4:03 PM
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| downloaded apps cause I was tired of this challenge and felt like I got what I wanted out of it. When I did i felt the drop in self esteem that I thought I was over after the weekend in palm springs. After that weekend I thought that I could O and still have full self esteem. Which I found is true but i realize now it's all the behavior around this that leads to legitimate drops in self-esteem (treating women like objects on the apps, spending so much time thinking about hookups, distraction and constantly checking the phone, doing behaviors that keep me inside and in my comfort zone). It would be way healthier (and feel better) if i just went on a run yesterday, read undistracted, or biked around sugar house or found an events to go too or searched apartments but none of that happened. I just thought about sex mostly and texted girls on the apps. Then I went on youtube and kept going through shorts to try to chase a dopamine hit (likely fighting against the drop from MOing). I didnt feel ok until I took a cold shower. I know going forward that my self esteem will be highest as a function of sleep, no coffee, minimizing looks at the phone, exercise, and doing well at work.. | |
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triis11
May 18, 2023, 3:32 AM
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| Decided to let myself on to hook up apps. Same old deal: was exciting at first, spent too much time thinking about it and fragmenting my focus. When I got home i spent the afternoon texting women and sending nudes back and forth. As soon as i finished i realized how little i would want ot actually be with those people in the aftermath and how much time i wasted on pursuing that goal. Also told Lily about this and how i know its something I am not proud of and know its not healthy (wasted time, porn addicted brain, rediculous negative view of women as sex objects). I know my brain works best and I am happiest when I minimize phone time and get outside and progress and actually work toward my goals. I just put blocks on my phone to get rid of these distractions so I wont pursue this stuff. The trouble is i forget the motivation sometime in the future and fall back into the promise of excitment, escape, and short term pleasure. Having a girlfriend will help get rid of these low level drives. | |
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triis11
May 12, 2023, 3:30 PM
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| went to zanes bachelor party. Hooked up with two girls. Had a massage after when I got home. PMOed after working with two patients during the week. | |
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triis11
April 28, 2023, 4:52 PM
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| Came home drunk from party at Amy's and downloaded apps. PMOed the next day to cope with hangover. Binged over the week to get out of my system. Felt drop in self esteem after each time I engaged. Very aware I dont actually want any of this stuff. | |
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